Have you ever felt someone asked you a question (or way too many) that they shouldn't have?

Assertiveness, boundaries and the right to personal needs.

I regularly work with young adults who are struggling with ideas of 'privacy', ' a right to personal space', or 'how to draw boundaries' with family members, friends and in relationships.

This is perhaps the result of a deep-rooted systemic issue, one that often arises as a result of growing up in families and societies where children are not given the space to discover or develop their own sense of self, i.e., their unique identity based on a culmination of personal likes and dislikes, a set of individual values and beliefs about the way they view themselves, other people and the world at large.

And so, as a child, if you have not been able to learn how to identify your feelings, needs and values, you may begin to struggle as you get older with issues such as:

• I don’t know what my needs are.

• I don’t believe that I have a right to have any needs for myself- I'm being selfish.

• Even if I do begin to learn to value my own needs and feelings, it is more important to put others’ needs and feelings first- I'm being selfish (again).

• Feeling anxious, nervous or guilty just thinking of what would happen if you asked someone to support your needs.

• Fearing someone’s anger or judgment because your needs were not made to feel valid

• Feeling shame for being vulnerable and expressing your true feelings

• Fearing you will lose a loved one, a friendship, or family approval if your ideas are different to theirs.

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Assertiveness is a type of communication skill that lies somewhere in the middle of the spectrum between being passive and aggressive. Passive is when you are being submissive, putting your self down and just agreeing- because that's easier than having an argument and aggressive is when you're being rude, putting another down or feeling entitled to take back what you deserve- because it's nice to finally be able to express yourself.

Assertiveness is where your actions and expressions are in line with your personal values and needs, you feel in control of your response, your message is firm but polite and clear, and so you're being respectful to your self and others.

However, the first step to being assertive requires a certain amount of self-awareness into your individual needs and values. Because before you can start to assert your boundaries, you will need to have a deep conviction that the boundaries you are looking to implement are not only appropriate, but also necessary.

Start by thinking about what specific things in the past have violated your personal values or put you in a position where you were made to compromise on your needs, and the impact this has had on your mental health and your relationships.

An example that comes to my mind: I was once asked by my landlord, "how much did you buy your washing machine for?" While this may seem like an obvious violation of personal space (to me), not all behaviours are so evident, which is typically where an internal conflict arises about what we should do.

Setting boundaries involves taking relational risks; it means you're willing to take a stand about who you are, and how you would like to be treated in your inter-personal interactions and relationships.

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About me

Mallika Verma is a psychologist, and couples and family therapist. She has previously worked across a range of public and private healthcare settings in India and the UK. She now practices privately in Mumbai and Delhi. Learn more at: www.mallikaverma.com or get in touch with her on: mallikavermatherapy@gmail.com.